How to overcome holiday disappointment with your tween

The holidays are upon us! Joy to the World? Sure. Joy to me or you? Not always.

What words come to mind when you look to the holidays ahead? Busy? Fun? Stressful? Family? Overwhelmed? Spiritual? Disappointed? Laughter? Resentful? Presents? Pressure? Food? There is no “wrong” answer and more than one thing can be true, but for those of us with children, the stakes have never been higher to turn in a perfect holiday performance. In addition to the social media-induced pressure to produce insta-worthy holiday decorations, activities, and events, for many of us this holiday season will be a post-COVID return to “normal”.

Cue in the harmonious family scene from every Christmas movie ever made. We imagine our family gathered around the dining table or the living room fireplace (it’s ok if you don’t actually have one, this is a fantasy)—smiling, laughing, having a great time, savoring the moments, appreciating your hard work of putting on a perfect holiday. Except that the reality is likely to look and feel very different, isn’t it?

You partner might disappoint you, your father might get into a heated argument with your partner’s mother at the holiday dinner table, the effort that you made to create a special holiday might be in vain because no one truly appreciates how hard you worked on it, or your kid might suddenly sour the mood by being argumentative or surly. If the holidays feel more like Home Alone than White Christmas, welcome to the human race! The image of peace, content, shared joy, family getting along perfectly is an illusion, a social construct. Because we are every bit as human during the holidays as we are during the other days of the year, we can hurt, be happy and sad, be angry and peaceful, fight, love, laugh, pout, be bitter, annoyed, tired, and simply be not in the mood.

Holidays do not cure what ails us, they often put the spotlight on the problems that exist in the family or the relationship.

The holiday disappointment is real. And, it’s the hardest when it’s our kids who are out of step with what the holidays promise. Because our children are human, they can disappoint us during the holidays the same as anyone else. When our expectations crash against the reality, we can be hard on ourselves and our loved ones, including children.

If you are a parent of a tween, you might feel apprehensive heading into the season. Your tween may be all over the place emotionally and you may not know what to expect. Will they join the family fun or keep to themselves? Will they be enthusiastic about the long-standing family traditions or shrug them off as unimportant? Will they embarrass you with bad behavior in front of the extended family or show up cheerfully?

Here are four tips that are easy to do and make a huge impact on keeping the emotional connection with our kids during the holiday season.

Give undivided attention

Now. Not when everything is done. Stop multi-tasking. Make eye contact. Be fully present with them. Give them the experience of being your only focus and care.
It matters. It allows our children to feel seen. It strengthens our emotional connection and nourishes our relationship.

Listen deeply

Don’t minimize the kids’ narrative as childish stuff. Listen to their share fully, respectfully, authentically. How do we create intimacy in the moment and get their “story” of the holiday? We ask them! With curiosity and wonder, with genuine interest. Tell me… what do you like about the holiday? What do you remember from last year? What do you like least about the holidays?

Or, watch for changes in their mood and affect. You might notice that they seem a bit more melancholy or maybe more hyper and amped up. Observe and then ask them gently- how are you doing, have you been feeling a little down?

Or give them prompts of things that might bother them- something like: what is it like this year knowing the holiday is coming and (dad and I are divorced) do you feel sad, worry about the schedule, or do you feel a sense of knowing what the new normal look like? Or how about, it seems lately you’ve been keyed up, did something change at school or are you anticipating the holidays?

When we ask and then listen, we communicate to them “I see you” and “I am here for you.”

Practice family rituals

When we have rituals and traditions, we offer our kids an opportunity to be a part of something special, a group, a heartfelt experience shared with others. It could be the day we decorate the tree, giving to a local food pantry or coat drive, Saturday morning hot chocolate.

Don’t get discouraged if your tween acts like they are “over it”. Engage them with questions: What is your favorite family tradition? What new ritual would you like our family to try? These questions begin a dialogue on equal footing, signal to your tween that their opinion and their experience matters.

Giving to others brings connection

Asking them Is there something special you would like to do for others? gets at what matters to them, empowers them, and makes them feel impactful. Not all kids will go deep into this but most can and will come up with a way they want to make their mark. And don’t we want to model that for them?

When we give to others, we feel a connection, a sense of being one with the world.