Parents can feel defeated and can begin to label their kid as disrespectful or defiant. Most often, parents also create negative self-talk about their own parenting abilities- it may be something like, “Why doesn’t my child listen to me? Im not a good enough parent.” 

Here are 5 reasons why your child may not be listening to you.
 

1. They need connection before direction - ask for their eyes, get down on their level, and speak with warmth. 

Yes! Think about how you are asking them or expecting them to listen. Are you yelling from room to room? Are you on your phone and asking them for something at the same time? Is your child engaged in an activity that they love? When we give our undivided attention to our child and they feel our presence it is more likely that the child will feel connected and will be more willing to comply.

2. You give too much info- give simple instructions, one thing at at time.

As parents, it is true that many of us over-explain things. For children, this can be overwhelming because their developing brains simply cannot process all of the language you are trying to share with them. For all children, and especially for neurodivergent children, simple instructions or even a one-word signal can be helpful when you are trying to get them to listen.

3. You don’t follow through, so they learn to ignore you- be consistent, only say something if you mean it.

Follow-through can be difficult for many adults, and when dealing with your children, it is one of the most important ways to build trust within the relationship. If you don’t follow through, they will struggle believing you, and will then start to ignore you. If you are someone who identifies with this, I would begin by becoming aware of the times that you don’t follow through. Is it around screen time where you say “Only 10 more minutes” and then find that the TV is still on 30 minutes later?  If so, start there. Commit to yourself and your children that you will follow through and turn those screens off when you said you would. Even if the follow-through is hard, kids need limits because ultimately, it helps the child feel safe and builds trust within the relationship.

4. You are focused on control vs. cooperation- you cannot control your child, you can only guide them. Your child’s job is to test limits, your job is to set the boundaries and to make room for their feelings.

Many parents were raised by parents that were “behaviorists.” This means that when the parent didn’t like the behavior of their child, they would squash it- if the behavior was loud and inconvenient or it made the parent feel badly, they would want to get rid of it and would use control to do so. While this was the only way your parent knew, now we know better! When children feel safe, they will push boundaries at home, while it may be infuriating, it is healthy and normal. As adults, we set the boundaries and hold space for the emotions that may come thereafter. When clients come to my office, we work on how to improve their kids’ big emotions. In the end, this creates a relationship that will grow throughout the child’s life because they will know they are seen, safe and soothed by the parent who is holding the appropriate space for their feelings instead of squashing those feelings. 

5.  You are emotionally dysregulated, which overwhelms your child. Take a walk, give yourself a minute, wait to speak if your frustration is high.

As the adult, ideally we can show up as a calm presence during chaotic times. The reverse is also true, that the chaos in you can create more chaos in your child. If your emotions are elevated in any way, it is critical to take care of yourself before trying to support your dysregulated child. I spend time with my clients getting curious about their dysregualtion. Many times it has to do with their own childhoods and/or experiences they have had in the past. Unpacking these experiences and messages that the parent got early on, can support the health of the present day parent-child relationship.