Men and Depression: Behavior Change Formula

You’re Almost There

If you’ve made it this far, you’re already ahead of the game and on the verge of success. You’ve built awareness. Now, it’s time to translate that awareness into action. Here are some tools that will help you shift your behavior so you can achieve the results you’re looking for.

1.    Understand and admit that a behavior is having a negative impact on your life.   

Change begins with recognition. Identify a behavior that’s negatively impacting your life, even if it once served a helpful purpose. Often, these are patterns developed in childhood that once made us feel safe but no longer support us as adults.

Example:
Withdrawing may have protected you from your parent’s quarrels growing up. Hiding away in your room made you feel safe and secure. But now, in your adult relationships, that same behavior can make others feel shut out and leave you feeling alone or isolated.

2.    Name the Behavior That Isn’t Working

Be specific! Don't just think about it—write it down. Let yourself sit with the emotions it stirs. Presence is key.

Examples:

• I withdraw in my relationship. I shut down, totally stop talking, and tell my partner they’re nagging just to make it all stop.

• I avoid my family by working more. The noise, the schedule, the constant demands—it’s too much, so I stay away.

3.    Identify the emotion tied to that specific behavior

Every behavior is triggered by emotion. Ask yourself: What am I FEELING when this happens?

We behave the way we do either to feel more of something good or to avoid something uncomfortable. Emotions are our internal signals—telling us what’s working and what isn’t.

Withdrawal might be tied to fear.
Fear of conflict. Fear of being abandoned. Fear of not being enough.

More examples:

• When I feel insecure or ashamed, I isolate myself. I avoid friends and family because I don’t want them to know how I really feel.

• When I feel overwhelmed, I throw myself into work. I can’t quiet my brain, so I just keep going.

It’s important to understand your unique emotional trigger. Not just the behavior itself.

4.    Reflect on where you’ve felt this before

Our brains store emotional memories. So, when you feel something familiar, even years later, your body reacts before your mind has a chance to process.

Ask yourself: Where does this feeling come from?

It might be:

• Your family of origin

• Pattern of interaction in an existing relationship

• Pattern from a previous relationship

• A learned behavior to keep the pain away

Back to our example:
Your fear of conflict may come from your parents’ fights. Even in a safe relationship now, you might still withdraw when something feels even slightly tense. That’s your past shaping your present.

5.    Watch Out for the Pattern

Once you’ve identified the behavior and the emotion behind it, start noticing when it shows up. At first, it might be after the moment has passed. That’s OK! That’s significant progress.

Eventually, you’ll catch it in the moment, even if you still go through with it. That’s still awareness, and that’s a big step

6.    Try Something Different

The goal isn’t to be perfect, it’s to try something new. There will be times when you will try new behaviors and win! That is the journey of life.

For example, when you feel fear, you might:

-       Communicate that you need space, and why

-       Take a break instead of fully withdrawing

-       Acknowledge your fear of conflict without letting it take over

-       Gently change the subject to a “safer topic”

Will it work every time? No.

Will you fall back into old patterns sometimes? Absolutely.

There will be setbacks. There will be wins.

This is the work. Embrace it all!