Talking to our kids about community trauma

Sitting at the kitchen counter and listening to another act of senseless violence brought a lump to my throat. My daughter asks why there is so much violence on the news. My son said the kids are talking about school shootings at school and wonders if one will happen at his school. Everyday there seems to be another event that rocks our concept of being safe when out in the world. Churches, school, even being in your own home or someone knocking at the wrong door. It’s a scary world out there. After our own pain sets in we look to our kids and have to explain… and in fear, as parents we will either not talk about it and hope they won’t be affected or over explain.

I invite a more powerful way to have these conversations. One that will develop our connection with them, ease their uncertainly and build their sense of self and their ability for emotional expression. Here is how: 

Three questions to ask our tweens when crisis hits. 

1.    What was it like for you when you heard?

This question gets at what their experience was/is and what they are thinking about. They may share where they were when they heard, who they were with, what their friends are saying. This question helps them hear their story out loud. Put words to their thoughts. And work out what’s been swimming around in their head with a trusted adult.

2.    Did you feel this or that?

This is a good question to elicit specific feelings they may have. Often tweens can’t come up with the feeling words but by giving them two options it is providing an example they can work from. Something like “were you shocked or did you not really think about it”. Or “do you ever feel scared when you’re in the community or only at school”. We start helping them work out their feelings and make sense of what they experience inside. Knowing our feelings brings a sense of confidence and self-identity that is so important to develop during this developmental stage.

3.    What makes you feel safe?

This is likely a tough question for them to answer but starts them thinking and offers an opportunity for parents to give some information about coping. The tween years are a good time to build strategies for dealing with uncertainty. Having this conversation helps them cultivate coping skills and increases emotional expression. Start with questions like “did you talk to your friends when you felt that way?” “Are there things you do at school that make you feel safer?” What do your friends do when they feel that way?” Then you can add some of your own ideas. Starting with them thinking it out gives them time to feel heard and seen. And they will be more open to feedback from parents. 

Unfortunately, we live in a time where violence has become commonplace. Shootings seem to be an everyday occurrence. It’s important to acknowledge the tragedy of these situations with our children so we continue to humanize them. It isn’t about making sure they don’t feel fear or pain either. It’s about giving them time and space to bring their thoughts to life, with a trusted person and thinking about ways they can express themselves and cope with tough stuff. Where we can discuss our fears openly and come up with ways to deal with them. Together as a family. Those are lifelong goals.